


the tea is salty and so am I

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Crack, Humor, Not Beta Read, but no killing, jokes about killing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 15:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17531741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzu was watching Europeans, obviously.(aka Yuzu wants to murder judges and hops on the next plane to Belarus)





	the tea is salty and so am I

**Author's Note:**

> I'm angry and tipsy. Also, I don't mean to offend anyone, it's just a funny piece I've written in an hour or so.  
> Also, I'm super salty. Everything is salt, and I love it.

 

Yuzu was watching Europeans, obviously. Checking out the competition and watching Javi was worth waking up super early; he chose to watch last three groups, and he didn't regret that. He winced with sympathy at Michal's landings and then almost clapped at Kevin's program, impressed with the energy and style so different than his own.

Then the last group, and Yuzu cringed a little at the first skater's PCS. Well, he was no judge, and the lutz was nice, so he decided to take it. He watched Mikhail closely, and he was pretty impressed, making a mental note to watch out for him before worlds.

And then it was Javi's turn, and Yuzu felt a mix of excitement and worry in his stomach. He knew all the steps and it almost felt like he was skating himself, something warm and familiar settling in his chest. It wasn't perfect, but Yuzu was sure it would be a solid second place with a reasonable score, maybe something close to-

\- Yuzu spat out his tea.

What the fuck was that.

„Are you fucking kidding me.” he muttered to himself, refreshing the page to get to the judges scores „WHAT IS THIS?!” he yelled loudly, fighting an urge to grab his laptop and throw it against the wall „I though that Javi had poor eyesight, but this is even worse!”

„Yuzu, what's going on?” his mother rushed into his room „Are you ok-”

„No!” he yelled but then collected himelf, he shouldn't yell at his poor mother „Could you, maybe, prepare me some herbal tea? I need to calm down.”

She nodded and left, and Yuzu got back to feeling like a serial murdered about to snap.

He logged onto his very fake facebook account just in time to watch the press conference, and his eyes started watering when he saw Javi's amazing bitch face.

„I taught you well.” he sighed, reaching out and touching the screen.

And then, while listening to Javi roasting the judges in the best way, Yuzu had an epiphany.

And then, he booked the next flight to Minsk.

 

„What do you mean you can't do that.” Yuzu whined, checking the board with departures „I just want to fire some people, can't you really do that?”

Yuzu had connections on the highest level, and he didn't hesitate to use them.

„Yuzuru, I-”

„Come one, one of the greatest skaters of all times mixed them with mud, and now me, the greatest skater of all times, wants them to be gone, is this really that hard?”

„Well, it is-”

„Fine, you're useless.” Yuzu sighed and ended the call. His flight just started boarding, and he had a plan B.

And also C. D too, because he was Yuzuru Hanyu, and he was always prepared.

Now, he was off to Belarus, and a serial killer inside him giggled devilishly.

 

People didn't know that, but Yuzu was actually a master of blending into the crowd. They key was to act like a regular peasant and not Yuzuru Hanyu. Done. No one payed attention to him, and he needed just a little bit of his charm to get through the immigration. He found his hotel, which was pretty close to the athetes' hotel, and he decided that Poland was nicer. He had been there, on some junior competition, and now he though absently that maybe it would be nice to stop by on his way back to Canada. He missed pierogi.

He spent the night on preparing his very fake accreditation, laughing like an evil character every few minutes, just for a good measure.

He had big plans. He couldn't fire anyone, but he still could make them do what he wanted.

Or murder them, just in case. But that was plan K.

K like kill.

Just saying.

 

People didn't know that Yuzu was great at disguise, but everyone knew that he was a drama queen. King. Whatever. So the next day, waving his fake accreditation, he walked into the judges meeting as if he was meant to be there.

„Hello.” he said, really trying not to add 'peasants' at the end „I'm here to bless you with my presence and teach you how to judge properly.”

He could see the technical controller dropping to her knees and bowing eagerly.

„I'm sorry.” she sobbed „I just wanted-”

„I know what you wanted.” Yuzuru waved „And me, the god of skating, do not approve.”

Everyone seemed blinded by his amazing aura, and Yuzu smiled pleasantly and how easy it was, dicreetly hiding his knife in his pocket.

„I'm glad we understand each other.” he said graciously „I flew all the way from Canada just for this moment.”

„I'm sorry.” one man basically sobbed „We'll do better!”

„Well I hope.” Yuzuru said, giving them one more glare before leaving like a model leaves a catwalk.

He had flown all the way from Canada for that, but he had a feeling it was worth it. Now, he just had to go back to his hotel and-

„Yuzu? What are you doing here?”

Well fuck.

„Javi!” he smiled brightly, turning around and giving him a blinding smile.

„What are you doing here?”

„Ummm, I just-”

„Oh my god.” Javi gasped, his eyes widening „Did you come here to murder someone?”

„Uhmmm.” Yuzu hummed, making sure that the knife was well hidden „Why would you think that, I just came to- to wish you good luck?”

„Right.” Javi said slowly „So that thing I can see in your pants is-?”

Yuzu gaped.

Javi smirked.

„Don't go anywhere.” Javi said, winking „I might wanna talk to you later.”

Yuzu honestly couldn't wait.

 

(He didn't throw the knife away, tho. Just in case.)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Have strong feeling in general? Don't hesitate to let me know!


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